Restore to Factory Settings

In  a matter of days I will be 35 years old.  October 8 , 1982.  That's when all of this magnificence entered the earth. It was  a Friday afternoon; three o'clock to be exact. Ten fingers, ten toes, 3.8 kilograms .  Pietersburg hospital, Bantu  Section ( that is what the sign said, and that is how our country was).

 It was a  wonder-filled day.

Right,  back to  the future.   I am not  dreading 35  ,nor am I expecting to wake up to decipher  the meaning of  life.  However, there is call to pay a little  more attention to this  age  than there was to, say,  27 or 34.  There's  definitely something about 35.   I don't want to do a retrospective analysis of whether my life has had any deep meaning  thus far or  if  I have made significant contributions to people's lives . I mean that is pretty obvious.  I would however, like to share a few  things I  have learnt.

The world will screw you over , sometime or another one way or another,  you will be screwed.   Over a number of years,  mostly in your twenties, your body will betray you, people will show you that they suck, you will  discover that no matter where you are employed you  work for  the government and the bank ,  you will learn that  the experience of  romantic love is mostly complicated and you will realize that sugar is shit.  You will go through a quarter life crisis where you question everything that you know  and one day you'll want to quit it all and search for the truth but by then you will have so many bills that you'll have to stay in your  job and  keep a stiff upper lip.   You will be screwed.   It will happen.

Now, don't despair . You can unscrew yourself.  And no , not by following the advise from glossy magazines because those are actually designed to  make you spend more money, but by figuring it out yourself.  I did.  ( Well some of it)  There are  actual, real life things you can do to unscrew yourself. These things will help you remember that you are lovely, that you are full of grace, that you are worthy and that the world wouldn't be the same without you.

These lessons are  in random order.   I wrote them as  I remembered them.

Number One: Put yourself first
Yes.  Put yourself first.  Think about what you want, makes sure you get it  and then you can see about other people.  Believe me  the happiest people are those who tend to their needs first.  I can't tell you how many stories  I have heard that have utterances like " I can't believe she is so selfish", "  I did this and that for her but she never thinks about me", "  She introduced me as her  old neighbour ... I thought we were best friends".   This happens because your  parents, catechism or  Sunday school school teachers may have told you to be humble and put other's needs before yours.  Catch a wake up  Lucy .. the world doesn't work that way. People serve their own interests first , get with the program! There is a positive interpretation to this assertion and that is the oxygen mask theory.   When the air hostess prepares you for a plane crash, she asks you to put on your oxygen mask first so that you can help others with theirs.  It's quite simple,  You can't pour from an empty cup .  So love you yourself, look after yourself, satisfy yourself then you can deal with other people.

Number two: Have some water with the wine
Nothing feels worse than a hangover. NOTHING. So  drink slowly and have a glass of water after every glass of an alcoholic drink. Hangovers  give you a loser's complex and make you doubt  yourself...so  don't do it!  And  in the words  of one Joan Armatrading " have some water with the wine".

Number three:  Stay clear of the shops (online too) when you are feeling sad
Don't get into  the habit of buying things to help you to feel better.  You will become an emotional shopper. You will max your credit card.  You will feel worse and  you will get into the vicious cycle of debt.  Things will not solve  your issues. Learn to save money.   Saving feels good. You will feel triumphant.  The money you have saved will probably be the only money that belongs to you.

Number four:  Listen to the voices inside your head
That is your intuition.  That is the voice  that told you it was time to get out it your mother's womb.  It is the voice that propels you  to take a different route home on an arbitrary day.  The 'establishment' spends all its time teaching us to ignore that voice.  Listen to it.  Listen to your inner  voice, pay attention to your dreams and desires, those are your prayers answered.

Number five: Go home
When the world has whipped your butt  go home to Mama, or granny or aunty.  You don't have to say anything. You don't have to tell her what happened.  Just go home  and help her with what she's doing. You will feel better.   Home reminds us who we are .  It reminds us of the sacrifices our elders made to get us to where we are.    Home gives us confidence ,it reassures us. Home makes us feel at home.  So when you feel royally screwed ...just go home.

Number six: Pray
Pray. And if you don't know what to say say thank you.

Number seven: Just.keep.breathing
Something happens when you breathe deeply and mindfully. Pay attention to  your breath. Watch your belly expand .  Do it again.  As long as you can do that there's hope for you yet. Just breathe.  Everything will be alright.  And once you get into the rhythm of breathing drink water.   Breath and water are a  great combination.  Think about how the great baobab or a delicious monster goes about its day.


Number eight: Love your own company/Fall in love with yourself.
Especially if you are single.  Boredom may lead to destruction.  So cultivate ways to  entertain  yourself.  Cultivate ways to be at peace with your solitude.   There  is a lot of hardship that can be avoided by learning  to be by yourself.  Exercise self care.  Practice acts of self love . Love yourself like you  the way you want to be loved.


Number nine: Commit to your deal breakers
If you decide that you will not allow a man to cheat on you. Stick to it.   If you decide that  you allow people to be only 15 minutes late  for a meeting. Stick to it.   Have integrity.  Let your thoughts, words and deeds be aligned.   Don't allow people to take you for a  ride.  Stick to your convictions.


Number ten   Don't be afraid  of your naked body
Don't be afraid of  your naked body.  Don't be afraid  of your  bald head.  Don't be afraid of your clean face.   When you lather  your body with soap and soothe it with oil talk to it and thank it for carrying you through life.   Look into the mirror and say " I love you" .  When you  extend  love and acceptance to your body you will give it the care that it deserves. Try. Just  try to eat well, to rest, to drink water  and to embrace your body as it is.  You are beautiful.


The bonus one:     Dance to  your tune
Do life the way you see fit.  Walk barefoot if you like.  Be a vegan in June and  devour steaks in July.  Be a Catholic Buddhist . Sleep during the day and work at night.   Watch cartoons and drink wine.  Drive a truck and listen to jazz. Wear clothes that don't match.  Wear a weave  while growing  an afro.   You don't owe anybody an explanation.  Define yourself , create and recreate yourself as often as you need to. You are alive. Live.

Restore yourself to the magnificence that your Creator meant for you to be.   Everything that you wish  to be...you already are!

This is me.  I will soon be 35.   In the last 15 years I have been screwed so many times .  I have been rejected, lied to , dismissed and neglected.  I wasn't always the victim.  Sometimes, in fact quite often I rejected, lied to, dismissed and neglected myself.  I am a size 38 and I'd rather not be. I struggle with my weight but I am fully aware that I am beautiful.   I fall in and out of credit card debt seasonally.   Some of my life choices still tie my stomach into knots. I work myself into a ball of anxiety  at least once a month.  I suffer from insomnia.   I am not always confident.   But, I am here,    I breathe slowly  and mindfully.  I love deeply and I am deeply loved.  I  know how to take care of  the people I love.  I am a giver and I  have finally learnt how to receive.  I am smart  and witty and  I  crack a mighty good joke.   I do life and  I do it well.  I sing my own song and  I dance (with very little coordination) to my own tune. I love it!   I say thank you everyday . I know  who  I am and  I know that the good Lord aint done with me yet!  I am here!