Chronicles of a formerly slim girl ( Oh,great now I am a monkey at the zoo)

The gym is a giant zoo.

So, I went and joined the gym and got myself a trainer in a bid  to restore  this  body.  I have accepted that  I can't do it on my own so I have employed the service of one Danny from BodyLife gym in my neighbourhood.  I really  wish someone had given me some orientation or at least a briefing of what happens when you walk into this place.  I didn't know what was coming. I was never ready. Nothing in my life had ever prepared me for this.  

The first ordeal is called the assessment.  Oh, Mary mother of God!Why? Why me? There  I was in nothing but black sweats and  black socks looking like a classic before picture and there was Danny , looking like an advert for Nike, with only 6% body fat.  He stood there with what looked to me like an industrial scale, a tape measure and some gadget to measure body fat.  Oh the agony...Why didn't anybody warn me about these weapons of  esteem destruction?

Height: 1.6m

Weight: 90kg

Abdomen: 107 cm

Verdict: Obese

I want to run.  (But remember I don't know how to  and that is how I got here  hahahaha) I want  run and eat. I  need comfort.  I need warm homemade fried chicken with creamy mash and some apple cider .  I need comfort.  I need a bed , with an electric blanket and fluffy pillows.  I need comfort.  I want to chew and swallow until my  heart no longer feels hollow. 

But instead I stay. I stay and I face myself.   I acquaint myself with the eliptical and the treadmill, the kettle bells and the free weights.  I am  self -conscious  and  I feel exposed.  Oh the awkwardness of it all!  Danny is positive and encouraging.  Everybody is starring at me, cringing at my uncoordinated attempts to get this body going. The huffing, the puffing, the sweat, the screams the signs...great, now I am a monkey at the zoo!

Fake it till you make it!

All geared up and ready to go. I showed up...

Chronicles of a formerly slim girl (I wear black because...)

I have been dressed in black  for the past four weeks. Yes, only black. It really is quite easy as the general rule is : wear any color you like as long as its black.  You'd be surprised at how colourful  black is .  I have black black, blue black, charcoal black, metallic black ,matte black...its like a friggin rainbow.    The greatest  thing about wearing black  is that no one notices what you are wearing because they only notice the colour.The textures, design and fit go out the window.  Until of course...they ask you what is wrong. Thus far very few  buy my story when I tell them how happy a color black is.   They want  more... Sigh

Four weeks ago I went to Woolworths to  get a few warm things for this season.  After picking up a few items I went into the fitting room to try them on.   This was a big mistake and the single worst thing I have done to myself this year.  In the unforgiving fluorescent lights and wall to wall mirrors of the department store fitting room I saw myself.  There was no where to run and no where to hide. I had to look and  I saw myself.

There it was this grotesque figure , a curios shade of yellow, bumpy , flabby, heavy...fat!

This was the truth. Starring at me.  I couldn't run and  I couldn't hide. I had to see.

I know and accept that at 32 I will not have the body I had at 22.  I know and accept that I am beautiful. I know and accept that I love myself. I  know and  accept that  I have not  taken good care of myself in the last five years. I know and accept that I have had  meals to  drown my feelings.  I know and accept that I saw it happening and I looked away.  I know and accept that I am fat.  I  know  and accept that I am frustrated.  I know and accept that I must do something about it.

I have a personal trainer now and a living will to  bring sexy back!

Its no fun looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself.  I wear black because I am fat.  It  gives me the illusion of hiding.  I feel safe here.  And tears don't leave stains on a black sleeve...

Hiding behind several shades of black